HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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