Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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