She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
