i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
