Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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