My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So here I am, sexting at work.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
