god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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