So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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