Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
