I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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