I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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