Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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