Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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