I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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