Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
