I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
