is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
