I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
