And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My liver just broke up with me...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're a waste of cheezeits
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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