Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
