the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
