Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
