woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
