If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
