I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
