I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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