I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
