I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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