Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
