Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
