my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
