big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
