Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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