Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
