yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
