you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
