hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My ATM looks so different sober.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
