Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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