nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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