He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
