why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
