I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
