Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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