I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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