I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
