If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Randomize
