oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
