Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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