I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
