I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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