If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
