I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
we're so committed to being not committed
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