there's paper in my vomit.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
